I was in the UD Emerging Leadership Program in in 2007-2008. I had the pleasure of hearing you speak and participating as you guided us through your book.

Imagine my surprise when I went to my Amazon basket this morning and discovered your book, “The Ten Truths About Leadership, It’s Not Just About Winning.” I knew I hadn’t put it there and I recalled my 18 year old son telling my daughter about a guest speaker he heard in class at UD last night.

So I texted him about the book and he replied that he had met you last night in his athletics class and said “he gave us the best speech I ever heard!”

I was taken aback. So I wanted to express my thanks to you, and awe, that you were able to touch my freshmen football player in the same way you touched my  40-something self 11 years ago. You have an amazing gift and you’ve given us a new topic to connect on.

Sincerely,

Kathleen Sargent

The back story is that I’ve had the privilege for the last twelve years serving as a guest lecturer for a Life Skills course for freshmen athletes at the University of Dayton. Utilizing my book as one of their required readings, each of the students is charged with writing a reflection paper on the takeaways from the book. I continue to be impressed each semester with their collective impressions as to how both the book and the lectures provide purpose meaning and perspective as they begin to navigate their way through a college education as a student athlete.

Since retirement 16 years ago, I have been blessed to be able to speak to countless organizations and groups ranging from 2000 IBM sales reps in Las Vegas to a leadership class at Fairmont High School in Kettering, Ohio. It is always my hope that in some small way I will have made an impact in their lives. Recognizing that our lives are ultimately defined by making a difference in other people’s lives we can never discount the impact we can have ­­­when we deepen our level or understanding of others and no longer fear the differences but learn to honor them. I believe that more than winning is the need to serve a higher purpose. The ultimate challenge for all of us as individuals, parents, bosses, employees, coaches, teachers, volunteers, students, siblings and parents is never commit the sins of selfishness, ingratitude, or ungratefulness, as we pursue our dream. We all have within us the need to to be loved and respected and we only become more human as leaders when we learn to love and serve others. Hopefully the letter from Kathleen will serve as a reminder that, “The only time we realize our dreams is when we help other people realize theirs.”

There’s an often quoted metaphor, “Your people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care,” which will never wear out its welcome. In the month of December I saw it in real time during two different opportunities I had to share The Leadership Pledge as a consultant and Keynote Speaker.  Main Line Supply and Montgomery County IT group;  two vastly different organizations in size, purpose, and circumstance; one experiencing a long sustainable history and the other searching for a better understanding of success.  What they do have in common is two leaders who understand the balance between winning and creating an environment where their employees feel valued, respected, and part of something special.

What I find intriguing about both Mike O’Brien, original partner in Main Line and John Rike, director of the IT group is how their competitiveness and intensity manifests into a passion that defines their uniqueness as thoughtful and caring leaders.

I had the privilege of delivering the keynote to Main Line Supply during a beautiful Christmas evening dinner meeting. It is an annual event that is focused on recognizing employees for a successful financial year while acknowledging both individual and team contributions. Whether warehouse or sales, new or tenured, Mike O’Brien expressed a deep sense of appreciation and LOVE for every person in that room. He wasn’t speaking to his audience as a group but he was speaking to each one of them individually. Every person in that room, like all of us, have deep within us the need to be loved and respected and Mike proved once again to me that we only become more human as leaders when we learn to love and serve others. Inspiration is the responsibility of all leaders and it’s the magic of all relationships.

The Montgomery County IT group is charged with supporting all business units for the County and is in the process of redefining its mission, implementing new strategic imperatives, realigning roles and responsibilities, all under the direction of Jon Rike, the new IT director. The departmental meeting to announce these organizational changes was the culmination of several months of review and analysis with input from his management team. Jon had engaged me to work with his leadership team in understanding their role in these new imperatives. He recognized as a prerequisite for this journey caring and LOVE had to be his primary message.  He was steadfast in his belief that his leadership team must develop meaningful relationships based on love and respect. As Jon navigates his organization through this transition I’m confident that he will be successful because at his core he believes his responsibility is the need to serve a higher purpose.

Jon’s kickoff meeting was for the lack of a better description his, “state of the union address”. And while it included remarks from the County Executive and a deep dive into the data and statistics which represented the past and the future, the central theme of his message was his commitment to his employees that all of the organizational changes shared were grounded in the human side of the enterprise. He encouraged each of them by giving them a sense of purpose and implored them to embrace a leadership role and the opportunity to shape the organization. Like Mike O’Brien, in a totally different set of circumstances, Jon Rike exemplified the belief that we become more human as leaders when we learn to love and serve others.

More about the class. It’s a University of Dayton graduate course that educators take to renew their certificates, to reach another pay step or for general education. The goal of the class is to help school teachers, counselors, and administrators gain knowledge and skill that would enhance their ability as educators to focus on character as part of the students education and better prepare them for their future.

A requirement for the completion of the course is to write a reflection paper on the presenter’s topics. Jim has always been kind enough to share those papers and each year I continue to be blown away by how the message I share with the audience effects them both personally and professionally. While the disciplines and truths are part of The Leadership Pledge I have shared with audiences over 300 times the last 15 years, it’s rare that I get to read 60 papers that talk about the impact that just a simple thought or a metaphor can be the spark of caring that touches the tinder inside these educators. As I share these simple but powerful truths and the heartfelt responses think about what they mean to you from a personal and professional perspective.

1.Truth – You can make these students more than they are but you can’t make them something they’re not!

Teacher Reflection -  This statement really hit home for me. My job would be so much easier if I could change my students but Pete made me realize after 18 years in the classroom this is impossible. My focus has got to be to provide them with love and the tools to help them to be the best person they can be and not who I think they should be. I need to help them identify their strengths and do everything in my power to help them realize their God-given potential.

Learning – How often have we tried to change our employees with little or no success? We can influence behavior but if a prospective hire does not bring the qualities and behaviors that are consistent with the requirements of the position, there’s very little chance. Our teachers do not have the privilege of choosing who shows up in the classroom. We do! Get out of the change business.

2.Truth – Change Just two simple words in your vocabulary; from ‘I have to’ to ’I get to’.

Teacher Reflection -  I absolutely love this! Beyond the classroom I look at this from a parental point of view and it really struck a cord with me.  I get to take my child to practice. How many parents, and I teach special needs, have children who will never set foot on a baseball field? That was the best thing my little ears could have heard.”

Learning - It’s a great reminder to be grateful for the things we get to do. If we value our  family’s, our careers, our employees, and our friendships as blessings “have to” will no longer be part of our vocabulary.

3. Truth - Rules are for the weak and uncompromised standards of excellence are for the strong.

Teacher Reflection - This truth really spoke to me! When Pete followed it up with “rules without relationships create anarchy” I realized that I’ve been guilty of setting rules and consequences for not following them for most of my teaching career. My thought process was to teach them to follow directions, be responsible, and consequences are part of life.  And I can’t even remember why some of these rules are in place. Probably from a student screwing up 10 years ago. Going forward I will make an effort to have far less rules but rather focus on expectations and standards of excellence.

Learning - To quote Marcus Buckingham and Curt Sanford from their book, ‘First Break All the Rules’, “Creating a culture of compliance, a company burdened by rules, slowly strangles its flexibility, responsiveness, and most importantly it’s good will!” So who or what is the culprit that causes professional and personal relationships to suffocate due to an overload of rules that ultimately sap our energy and enthusiasm? A lack of trust! Relationships can never reach their maximum potential when void of trust!

4. Truth - It can’t be an unconditional love without responsibility but rather a conditional love with consequences.

Teacher Reflection -  Pete’s comment about conditional love was so insightful! Because I care so much for my students I find myself making excuses far too often for them which by Pete’s definition is unconditional love with responsibility. It makes me realize that conditional love is more powerful when accountability and successful outcomes are part of the relationship with my students.

Learning - Organizations that do it best win (however you keep score, you’ve got to win) and they also create an environment where employees feel valued, respected, and part of something special. No relationship will reach its maximum potential without love (conditional) at its core.  Said another way, love for each other is about trust and mutual respect!

5. Truth - People can handle the truth if they know we care!

Teacher’s Reflection -  I was immediately convicted because this is an area where I have fallen short. While I’m proud to say as a coach I have never cut a player but likewise I have not moved on coaches who were not a good fit for our program. His statement that is not my job to change them but to help them move on to an environment where they can be successful brought so much clarity.  This was a profound moment for me and Pete’s message has helped me bring closure to what has been a very painful experience!

Learning - When confronted with performance issues we owe our employees the truth. And without it we place serious limitations on our ability as leaders to provide honest feedback thus denying them the opportunity to experience their God-given potential. But, and it’s a big one, they have to know we care!

5. Truth - The only time you get what you want is when you help others get what they want.

Teacher’s Reflection -  Pete’s definition, “the only time you get what you want is when you help others get what they want” is a wonderful take on leadership. It implies that leadership is only successful when we recognize the needs of others, and work with them to help achieve their dreams and aspirations. I hope that’s what is happening each day in my classroom. I guess that’s why I signed up to be an educator ions ago.

Learning - That simple statement embodies servant leadership. The biblical version of servant leadership says, “It’s not about the shepherd, it’s about the sheep!” In any leadership role success will ultimately be determined by making a difference in other’s people’s lives. Remember, it’s about creating an environment where employees feel valued, appreciated, and part of something special.

In closing a couple of thoughts; there is a groundswell today purporting that greater than winning is the need to serve a higher purpose. Spending those few hours with the educators in Jim’s class each year always reminds me of the enormous responsibility they shoulder in helping prepare these young people for the rest of their lives. To be able to connect the dots between what they do every day and impact they have on these young people’s lives is their gift and their blessing! And for me, it’s one of the highlights of my year.

Is loyalty defined differently today than it was during my career? Is it the same loyalty that guaranteed lifetime employment that my generation believed was our inalienable right? No, it’s different! There is strong evidence that mutual disloyalty is not exclusive to the work place. The lack of loyalty has extended far beyond business impacting family, church, school, government, community and every aspect of our society.

Timothy Keiningham and Leran Akosky are professional associates of mine whom I collaborated with on research for my book, “10 Truths about Leadership, It’s Not About Winning”. In their recently published book, “Why Loyalty Matters”, they suggest that, without us knowing it, the world has shifted from a society of long-term relationships to a society of transactional relationships and ephemeral contacts. This is a natural byproduct of an increasing dynamic economic environment in which we live. They suggest we have become more flexible and more mobile, which has made business more efficient. And while this has made us wealthier, it has also made us less loyal!

As leaders we must realize that loyalty no longer emerges from blind obedience. The reality is people don’t stay in one job, nor should they. Marriages do fail, and abusive ones should end. Companies do fail, sometimes because of bad management and in others the marketplace isn’t buying what they are selling. Loyalty just doesn’t happen. Being loyal is a deliberate act. Making loyalty a driving force in your organization is never easy. We’ve got to give employees a sense of purpose, a set of principles, vision, and an environment where we can help them get what they want. We all want to part of something special, something bigger than ourselves. To that end every significant relationship should be treated as if it will last a lifetime, and be important to mutual success.

I can quote form countless books, periodicals and case studies, but in the end, I believe most of us want to be loyal to something other than ourselves. But to unlock the power of loyalty we need clarity regarding “how loyal” we really are, and “to what” we are loyal to? It only happens when we amplify the quality of our lives through that joy that can only come from having friends, family, co-workers, and others who are willing to bond with us. It is the collection of those positive loyal connections that make strong organizations and strong relationships.

When we are faced with the sudden passing of a spouse, parent, child, sibling or a friend we are painfully reminded that we must live every day to its fullest! I have a poster in my exercise room of a Steve Prefontaine quote, the long distance runner in the 60’s, that reminds me of that every morning. “To not give the best of ourselves each day is to sacrifice the gift.”  Said another way, “yesterday’s history, tomorrow’s a mystery, and today’s a gift”. But, I believe Tom’s death reminded us of something even more important than recognizing how precious life is and never taking it for granted. You see, every single person that attended the viewing, the mass, and the reception, was touched by Tom in some special way!  His life was not about duration (he was only with us for 56 years) but rather it was about intensity. Whether it was real estate transaction, a fund raiser at Alter, a family vacation, or just a simple conversation with a friend, Tom gave all of himself! Too often we associate success in life with time and experience. It’s neither, it’s about impact! Tom understood the power he possessed as a human being and he brought hope and promise to every human being he touched!

And so, there is a more powerful lesson that we can all learn from Tom’s passing! Accepting that we all recognize that none of us are getting out of this life alive, how do we want to be remembered? What will they say about us when they share our eulogy? It won’t be about titles or designations, the accumulation of wealth, or the other trappings that are far too often associated with success! If it is it’s a life unfulfilled! Quite the contrary! Our lives will be valued by making a difference in other’s people’s lives! The poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson that was visible at the viewing and included in the mass program articulated it so beautifully:

To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

Tom understood the most important thing in the world is to be important to someone. He appreciated his value as human being and while he left us far too early he taught us an incredibly valuable lesson, “to the whole world you may be one person but one to person you may be the whole world!”

Beyond that, I was shocked at the 100+ requests on Facebook and LinkedIn which I received within the first hour of the keynote. My first takeaway was the notion that we really do live in a world of instant communication, and in this case, instant gratification. But as I read through the comments associated with the requests, I was struck with the number of comments about references I made to the word “love” and my belief that no professional relationship will ever reach its maximum potential without love as its foundation.  A couple of examples:

“I attended the IBM Sales Academy and heard you speak in Vegas and wanted to send you a thank note. You really touched me and while I know your talk was rushed in only one hour I loved every minute of it. In my years as a sales leader you are the first person to bring up the word “love” anywhere in a conversation about leadership.”

Another comment:

“I have always prided myself in loving my employees but have never openly spoken about it as it quite frankly has been taboo or viewed as strange in a business environment. Your talk was incredibly inspirational and has freed me up to lead from the heart going forward.”

When I ask audiences in my workshops who has been the greatest inspiration in their lives, the answers are always parents, spouses, coaches, clergy, friends, etc. When I ask them what was the one thing they all had in common, they eventually get the answer: they loved me!  So why the reluctance, why the reticence to let people see the loving side of us in the workplace? Maybe Bob Sutton from the University of Michigan, one of our thought leaders at the Center for Leadership at UD, had it right when he said, “transformative leaders are enormously demanding but also enormously caring.” I am convinced that as leaders we are all at the top of the scale on the demand side of the model (and pretty good at it as parents) but far too often fail miserably in letting people see our caring side for fear that it will expose our vulnerability. Quite the contrary; I believe it exposes our uniqueness as a human being.

While this can be a slippery slope, I drew three distinctions to get the audience comfortable with the word “love” in our business vocabulary. The first distinction is about sharing what love looks like in a professional relationship. Love for ourselves in a professional relationship is simply about faith in who we are and confidence as we approach our lives each and every day. Love for each other is about trust and mutual respect for one another, and love for what we do every day is about our passion! That is the first distinction.

The second distinction, as I shared with the IBM audience, “is the one I want you to get your arms around. It is one of the most important discoveries I will share with you today.” It’s not a love without responsibility, it is love with consequences attached. There were times at The Berry Company that I had to tell people “I love you”, but you just do not get to work here anymore. It was never about me. It was being fair to them. Is it uncomfortable? Of course it is! And why it’s so challenging is because it’s a paradox. Unconditional love is the bond between parent and child. It is at the core of marriage vow. However, it’s that same tacit agreement that gets in the way of sharing honest caring feedback. Without it I can assure you there will always be serious limitations on our ability as leaders, parents, coaches, friends, spouses, and siblings to provide honest feedback and allow people to experience their God given potential.

The last distinction is that blending strength of character and love for your fellow man does not diminish one’s womanhood or manhood. Remember, people can handle the truth if they know you care!

Being successful as a leader, a parent, a teacher, a coach, a spouse, a sibling, a friend can only happen when we amplify the quality of our lives through the joy that comes when we commit our love, our passion, and ourselves to making a difference in people’s lives.

I have a poster in my exercise room that I read every morning. Steve Prefontaine, the great long distance runner who died tragically at the peak of his career, said it best, “To not give the best of ourselves every day is to sacrifice the gift.”

Everything you do every day means something to someone. Make them all count!

“To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

As I shared with the 300 leaders that were in attendance, I typically end any workshop or keynote that I deliver with that poem, but I wanted to start with it because I believe it spoke to them about who they are and what they do. And while I have presented to well over 250 organizations since I retired 13 years ago, there are so few people who have the opportunity in their professional lives to connect the dots between what they do every day and the impact it has on people’s lives.  And as I said to those 300 leaders who were in attendance, that is their gift and that is their blessing!

I was convinced at The Berry Company that we did not sell advertisers bigger ads or expanded yellow page advertising programs; we sold them dreams. When their advertising was most effective, it generated increased inquires leading to increased sales and greater financial rewards. This could be, and was, life changing! When we strayed from that philosophy, we were simply just selling ads.

As the Christmas season is upon us, it is a wonderful time to reflect on our blessings. It is also the time of year to be reminded of those who are less fortunate. When I chaired the United Way campaign in 2003, it truly was for me a life changing experience – an epiphany! Being a sales guy, it was very important for me to understand the product we were selling. In other words, why would or should people choose to support United Way? To that end, I visited all 65 agencies that we were supporting and for the first time in my life I truly witnessed hopelessness. Whether it was Daybreak, Artemis, Mercy Manor or the other 63 agencies I met and heard stories of, there were people who were either born into a circumstance or got into a situation and could not get out without a helping hand. Every United Way speech or appeal that I delivered would always end with the same message, “To the whole world you may be one person but to one person you may be the whole world.”

To quote Edward Evert Hale, “I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything but I can do something. I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.”

Our greatest gift is the power to choose. Whether it a smile, a friendly word, a sympathetic ear, or a helping hand during this holiday season, let us all be reminded that the most important thing in the world is to be important to someone.

Pete Luongo is retired president and CEO of The Berry Co., Leader, Lecturer, Public Speaker and Author of “10 Truths About Leadership … It’s Not Just About Winning”. Reach him at pete@petespeaks.com.

Everyone has a favorite Arnold Palmer story. Mine took place at the Senior PGA event played at NCR Country Club several years ago. My friend Gene Hallman from Birmingham, Alabama reached out to me before the tournament, and he enlisted me to both introduce Arnold Palmer to the community as well as assist him during the event. He had asked me to help with player relations since I knew a number of the senior players from both the Bruno’s event in Birmingham, which the Berry Company and BellSouth were cosponsors, and the Bell South Senior event in Nashville.

I was assigned to help the players with registration and get them to the locker room upon their arrival. While many of the professionals were not easily recognizable, there was great anticipation for the arrival of both Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer. When Jack arrived along with his wife Barbara they were very pleasant (at least Barbara) and congenial to volunteers in the room. Once they signed in I escorted Jack to the locker room. He acknowledged a few of the PGA professionals when we arrived at the locker room and I returned to registration. About an hour later, Arnold arrived and I can best describe it as “he lit the room up.” He took the time to introduce himself to every volunteer in the room (20 or so) and thanked them for volunteering to make the tournament a positive experience for both he and his fellow PGA professionals (there is no doubt that if we had had selfies back then Arnold would have been there another 20 minutes taking pictures)! When he finished registering, I escorted him to the locker room. When we entered, where a number of professionals were having lunch, every one stood up and introduced themselves to Arnold. When we turned the corner to enter the locker room, a receiving line had formed of not only other PGA golfers but agents, tour officials and everyone present. I stood and watched as he shook hands and took time with every person, some he knew and others he did not!

The morale of the story is that while Nicklaus and Palmer will always be spoken in the same breath as two of golf’s greatest, that experience reminded me that while Nicklaus will be remembered for his history of accomplishments, Palmer will be for the impact he made in people’s lives. Webster’s definition of legacy, “as a lasting contribution from a person, conceived as a testament to their honor”, was best described by his close friend Nicklaus when he said, “Arnold’s legacy is that people followed him, people adored him. He was the most popular person to ever play the game.”

As I have written so often in the past, there are leaders that lead because that is what they do and there are leaders that lead because that is who they are. There are three distinctions that separate the two. First, they possess the courage and character to lead others because its core to their existence. Secondly, leadership is not just something they do from eight to five, and it is not a title or a designation. It permeates every aspect of their lives; as parents, teachers, coaches, volunteers, friend, siblings, spouses, and friends. Finally, and most importantly, they value their lives as leaders by making a difference in other people’s lives!

How will you be remembered? For your history of accomplishments or your legacy of making a difference in other people’s lives?

As the series comes to an end it’s gratifying that we’ve averaged over 300 views of the posts each month. I want to thank everyone from CEO’s to small businesses to stay-at-home moms for the feedback as to how the blogs have benefitted them.

One last thought: There is a groundswell today purporting that more important than winning is a need to serve a higher purpose. I believe that winning is the ultimate prize, but it can never be at the expense of others. We can and must do both. The ultimate challenge for all of us as individuals, regardless of whether we are bosses, employees, coaches, teachers, volunteers, students or parents is to never commit the sin of selfishness, ingratitude, or ungratefulness as we pursue our dreams. I believe the only time we realize our dreams is when we help others realize theirs. Those that do it best possess three qualities; first, they have the courage to lead others because its core to their existence, and secondly, leadership is not a title or designation, it’s not something they do part time. It permeates every aspect of their lives. And finally, they value their lives as leaders by making a difference in other people’s lives!

Look for more on my blog in the upcoming weeks and months, and thanks for your support!